It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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