i just had sex bonerless
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
