I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
