I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
