my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
