The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize