high people should be assigned attendants
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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