yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
