i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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