She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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