I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
