i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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