my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize