so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
