I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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