what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
