My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Hippo gnu deer
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
