Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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