Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize