I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
