The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
