seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
