her vagine was all disorganized.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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