Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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