Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
