I want to have your abortion
I cannot find my penis.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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