I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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