Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
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