And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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