Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
