Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize