You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
