You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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