my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
