If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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