that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
