i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
