I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
