If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
