he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
