I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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