You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
