Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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