i don't like sucking hair
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
