I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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