If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
