I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
