I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
