In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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