So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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