I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
