She tied me up with her honor cords...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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