I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
