So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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