got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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