I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He passed out mid-signature
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
