I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
