I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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