My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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