My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
