I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
