If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
