that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize