I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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