we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
