tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
