Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Randomize
