You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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