6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
