dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
